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{suitcase & passports} Torn, Uncertain

May 9, 2011

I thought I knew where I wanted to be and how I envisioned the upcoming 6 month hiatus from the US. But as everything in life, nothing ever goes according to plan.  In moving forward to finalize loose details I have found myself ill-prepared to wake up at the beginning of dawn with the hopes of contacting a professor 7 hours ahead of my current time.

The whole ordeal leaves me so ashamedly tired. I’ve found it hard not to be pre-judged my by overwhelmingly English accent. Like as soon as I say hello, I’m written off.

And functioning internet system, well that might only be an US-Europe-China thing. Email responses are sent 2-3 weeks later. And there are times a phone call will unexpectedly drop.

Because in Naija, you’ll never know whether NEPA has stolen power once again.

But despite the language-frustration-connectivity-barriers, I have more options than I began with.

Instead of one university, I now have two.

To Nigeria or Ghana?

Even in my journal I’ve tried to make sense of it.

One country has my heart, my family, my heritage. The other, promises safety, security, and a seemingly smooth transition.

With the idea of security also comes questions. Will I regret not going to Nigeria if I choose Ghana? What about Igbo? Wasn’t it my primary purpose to study and put practice my native language? If so, it just wouldn’t make sense to journey to Ghana.

Despite the questions, I’m still torn. I want it all to work out soon so that I can move on to the exciting parts. I want to pack. I want to visit places one last time before I bid a 6 month adieu. I want to take my hair down, and relish in the ‘summer’ season. I want to spend time with him. I want what will just be easy.

But with anything worth fighting for, making it happen is proving to be rather difficult despite resounding “go’s!”. Even with 150% tunnel vision the unknown remains scary. Moving past the initial fear of leaving empowered me, but now limbo uncovers deeper sentiments.

Can i just leave already?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 9, 2011 11:40 pm

    ahhhh i know how you feel. it’s hard to suggest what to do because i think only you can make that decision. in the months leading up to me coming to india i started to, truly, believe that (1) everything happens for a reason and (2) if it’s meant to be for YOU – it will. if it’s not – it wasn’t meant to be. I know – sounds hokey right? But these two sentiments proved true for me time and time again….and continue to prove true.

    i look forward to seeing what you decide and to reading along with you on your African adventure.

    • May 10, 2011 2:14 pm

      i’ve already made up my mind that if Nigeria is where i want to be, i’ll have to fight for it to happen. it’s just frustrating to have to work so hard at something that should be relatively easy. or maybe i’m just being naive? whatever it is, it’s proving to be challenging. with it all, i’m counting down the days until august, because by then i’ll be gone one way or another lol.

  2. Mabel permalink
    May 11, 2011 7:37 am

    It’s probably a mix of nervous excitement or anxiety. I’m coupled with it as well. I haven’t heard “officially” from my program but I do know that Ghana is in review of my application. I’m inuandated with a sense of fear and readiness in this whole preparation because the unknown is terribly frightful. I just want to land there then I can think! Your heart is in Naij Chinye, go there. In the end, you would probably get so much more from the experience, though other experiences can give you the comfort and security you need. Pray your way there, He guide you along the way! I’m so excited for you though! Excited for us!

    • May 11, 2011 10:11 pm

      i’m sure it’s a culmination of all three feelings. i’ve been thinking good thoughts and am reminding myself that there is nothing that stops in my way except me. as long as i keep a good heart, and sincere intentions, i believe everything i desire will come. i’m sending prayers over your application. God willing, we’ll both get what we have our hearts set after. it’s all sooo close! pray for me too 🙂

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